George: You know that manslaughter is the least serious murder charge?

Jerry: You don't say.

George: Manslaughter! Literally, the slaughter of a man. Sounds brutal, doesn't it?

Jerry: Heinous!

George: Yet, it's the most socially acceptable form of murder.

Jerry: So, you think we should change the name.

George: Yes, I do. How about, uh... "inadvertent life ending?" Uh... "unintentional snuff out?"

Jerry: How about "I can't believe it's not murder?"

George: Oh, boy. I was up to 4 in the morning watching that Omen trilogy.

Elaine: Mm.

Jerry: Mm, that's good stuff.

George: Devil? Pssh, forget about it.

Elaine: Well, he was the Devil's son, right?

Jerry: I thought he was the Devil's helper.

Elaine: Well, he's pretty scary for a helper.

George: I can't keep doing this to myself. I'm exhausted.

Jerry: Can't you grab a nap at work?

George: Not with that big glass window looking out onto the hall. And I love a good nap. Sometimes, that's the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning. I'll see ya.

Elaine: Bye.

Jerry: So, what are you doing now?

Elaine: Oh, I'm going to take a little stroll through the park.

Jerry: With a gentleman caller?

Elaine: Yes. His name is Hal.

Jerry: The "walking date" is a good date. You don't have to look right at the person.

Elaine: Hey, it's the next best thing to being alone.

Kramer: Hey.

Jerry: Hi.

Elaine: Hi.

Jerry: Shower?

Kramer: (exhales) Huh? Oh, pool. I just swam 200 laps.

Elaine: You are kidding.

Kramer: Yeah, look at those babies, huh? They're prunes. You know, I saw Conrad going up to your place.

Elaine: Oh, yeah, that's right. Those new kitchen cabinets. How's that coming?

Jerry: Slow. I've got to hold this guy's hand on every little decision.

Elaine: Hey, Kramer, listen, you've seen the Omen, right? What exactly was that kid?

Kramer: Uh, Damien?

Elaine: Mm-hm.

Kramer: Nothing. Just a mischievous, rambunctious kid.

George: (snores)

Wilhelm: Uh, George, have you seen that American league directory? It's, um, a big green book. Oh, ha ha. Thanks kiddo.

George: (sighs)

Hal: You know Twinkie's aren't cooked.

Elaine: (gasps) It looks cooked. It's dark on the bottom.

Hal: That's just the way it is. It's the substance.

Elaine: Well, I don't care. They're delicious!

Elaine: Wanna sit down?

Hal: Oh, I don't sit on park benches. They're very bad for the back.

Elaine: Really?

Hal: I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I buy all my furniture at an ergonomics store.

Elaine: Oh, those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, like, "Back in Business," or "Good Vertibrations."

Hal: Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard."

Conrad: Hey, Jerry, Jerry, are you okay with this hinge?

Jerry: Yeah.

Conrad: 'Cause I can get you any kind you want, you know. Four holes, two holes, bronze, no hinge at all...

Jerry: You know, why don't we just go with the one in your hand?

Conrad: Ugh, well, these are different.

Jerry: Drop one. Left! (sighs)

George: Jerry, look at my eyes.

Jerry: Hm, a little less beady today.

George: Because I'm refreshed! I finally found a way to sleep in my office. Under the desk, huh? I lie on my back, I tuck in the chair, I'm invisible!

Jerry: Sounds like a really cool fort.

Conrad: Hey, Jerry, do you want a flat edge on this molding? Or do you want me to, uh, bevel it?

Jerry: I tell you what I'd like you to do with it.

George: Hey, uh, Conrad, is it?

Conrad: Conrad, Connie, or Con, whatever you prefer.

George: Hahaha. Listen, let me ask you a question. Could you, uh, expand the space underneath a desk? You know, give it a little more headroom?

Jerry: George, he's kind of tied up here.

George: What? It'll have to be a night job anyway. You don't normally work after dinner, do you?

Conrad: There is no "normal," whatever Jerry wants. He wants me here late, I'm here late. He wants me here early, I'm here early. He wants me—

Jerry: You know, why don't you just... work on George's project for a while.

Conrad: Whatever you want.

Jerry: So, how was, uh, Wednesday in the park with Hal?

Elaine: Uh... it was okay. He's coming over later to watch a movie. Hey, listen, what's better for your back... like, couch cushions or a folding chair?

Jerry: I don't know.

Elaine: (sighs) maybe we'll just stand and watch the TV. I gotta go, someone's at my door.

Elaine: Yeah!

Delivery guy: Delivery. Elaine Benes?

Elaine: Yeah.

Delivery guy: We're from the Lumbar Yard, we got your mattress.

Elaine: Mattress? I, uh-uh-oh, I didn't order a mattress. Who sent this...? Hal Kitzmiller?

George: You think it might be possible to add a little shelf like, uh... for an alarm clock?

Conrad: What, about... maybe that big?

George: I dunno, maybe like this.

Conrad: Like that?

George: Yeah, like that.

Conrad: Yeah, I can do that.

George: Great! Heh-heh. You know this... could sound crazy but... what do you think about adding a drawer for... like a blanket?

Conrad: Blanket or a quilt?

George: Blanket.

Conrad: About... that thick?

George: Maybe like this.

Conrad: Like that?

George: Yeah, like that.

Conrad: That's what you want?

George: That's what I want.

Conrad: Hey, George, you want this cup holder, uh... you want it mounted on the left, or the right, or in the middle—

George: Whatever!

George: Ho-ho-ho-ho, this is unbelievable! This is better than my bed at home! Alright, it's been a long night. You go home and get some sleep.

Conrad: That's what you want?

George: That's what I want.

Wilhelm: Morning George.

George: Morning, Mr. Wilhelm.

Kramer: Phew. I got pool problems, Jerry.

Jerry: What happened?

Kramer: Well, I had been swimming for three hours, and I was in a real grove, so I decided to keep going. But at 10, they start the aquacize. 35 geriatrics throwing elbows. It was like I was swimming through a flabby-armed spanking machine.

Jerry: How long did that last?

Kramer: Half hour. Then diving class started. Well... that got a little messy! I gotta find a new place to swim... 'cause that pool can't hold me, Jerry!

Jerry: How was the movie?

Elaine: I cancelled. Hal sent a mattress to my apartment. (scoffs) the nerve of that guy.

Jerry: Why?

Elaine: He's got a back problem.

Jerry: So, you think he was expecting a roll in the supportive hay.

Elaine: After one date!

Kramer: What's that guy's last name again?

Elaine: Kitzmiller.

Kramer: Oh, that's right.

Jerry: So, what are you going to do with the mattress?

Elaine: I don't know. Chuck it?

Kramer: Oh, wait, wait! No, no, no, no! I'll take it. Yeah, why don't you come over. Let's see if it will fit in my bedroom.

Elaine: Oh, alright.

Kramer: Yeah, 'cause my old one sprung a leak.

Elaine: You have a water bed?

Kramer: Sand! It's like sleeping on the beach.

Conrad: Oh, hi.

Kramer: Oh, hey.

Elaine: Oh, hi, Con. How ya doin'?

Conrad: Hey. Jerry, I'm sorry I'm late. George and I...we've been-we've been up all night long. I can make up the time in any number of ways.

Jerry: How about this... Finish this thing up today!

Conrad: Couple of questions for you.

Jerry: No! No more questions. Just figure it out for yourself and get it done!

Conrad: Alright, Jerry. But... I can figure it out myself any way you want.

Jerry: Just... do it!

Steinbrenner: Costanza? Where's Costanza? Excusez-mois? Have you seen Costanza?

Secretary: Uh, I've seen him around.

Steinbrenner: Hm, He was humming this song yesterday. I can't seem to get it out of my head. I gotta know the name of that. ♪ She's a heart breaker, love taker. Brubaker, run this prison like a man. Oo, Oo! ♪ Something like that. It's a very catchy tune. Very, very catchy. Well, you know what? I'm just gonna sit here and wait for that... guy. What is this? People? Hm, "The Most Beautiful People" People. Connie Sellecca. (clicks tongue) nothing wrong with that, huh?

Hal: Elaine, you're taking this totally the wrong way. That's not what I intended.

Elaine: Well, what did you intend, Hal?

Hal: I just wanted you to have the comfort and support you deserve. That's why I had the mattress custom designed for you.

Elaine: Custom designed?

Hal: They adjust the foam density and spring tension to your body type. I estimated your height and weight. 5'8", about 110 pounds?

Elaine: (flushes) Oh, well, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Hal: So you do like the mattress?

Elaine: Oh, I love it. I'm glad I... kept it.

Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn. That's where Spike Lee lives.

Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.

Father: No, haha. That's probably just a dead body, son. You see, when the mob kills someone, they throw the body in the river.

Kramer: Jer! Hey, buddy.

Jerry: Hey.

Kramer: Well, my swimming pool problems are solved. I just found myself miles and miles of open lanes.

Jerry: What is that smell...?

Kramer: That's East River.

Jerry: You're swimming in the East River? The most heavily-trafficked, overly-contaminated waterway on the Eastern seaboard?

Kramer: Technically, Norfolk has more gross tonnage.

Jerry: How could you swim in that water?

Kramer: I saw a couple of other guys out there.

Jerry: Swimming?

Kramer: Well, floating. They weren't moving much. But they were out there!

Elaine: Hey, Kramer, it's Elaine. Thanks for bringing my mattress back. And I guess I'll just get my spare key from you... whenever. Alright, bye.

Elaine: Oh, this is a good mattress. (sniffs) Ugh!

Steinbrenner: Where the hell is this guy? I'm waitin' here 3.5 hours, for crying out loud. Should I go? No.. way, Jack! I'm not hummin' it to the guy at the record store again, I'll tell you that.

Secretary: Mr. Steinbrenner?

Steinbrenner: That's what they call me.

Secretary: Your grandchildren are here to see you.

Steinbrenner: Oh, well, send them in.

Kids: Grandpa, Grandpa!

Steinbrenner: Send the tykes in.

Kids: Grandpa, Grandpa.

Steinbrenner: Hey, you little kids! Who-who are you people? Come here. Come here. How about a ride on the Stein-pony express? Get up here. What's your name? Shorty? Mel? Are you Mel?

Jerry: Hello.

George: Jerry, Jerry, I'm trapped under my desk. Steinbrenner is in the room. You gotta help me.

Jerry: Who is this?

George: Jerry!

Brian: Hi.

George: Go away. Sh, bye-bye. Shh, get away.

Brian: Hi, I'm Brian.

George: Beat it, Brian! Beat it!

Jerry: Why don't you just have him paged?

George: Because he'd see the extensions— coming from my— back off! Come on! Come— on, come on!

George: Would you do something! Call in a bomb threat.

Jerry: A bomb threat? Why would I call in a bomb threat?

George: Just call!

Jerry: I think I should have some reason.

George: Jerry!

Steinbrenner: Hey, you kids are up on all the new tunes, tell me if this one rings a bell: ♪ heart breaker, love taker, shoemaker, won't you fix my shoes for free. ♪ Huh? Anything? Shorty? Girl?

Secretary: Mr. Steinbrenner, we just received a call. There's a bomb in the building.

Steinbrenner: A bomb in the building! Oh, my God. Quick, everybody under the desk.

Steinbrenner: George, can you imagine what went through my mind when I saw there wasn't going to be enough room under that desk for me and my babies!?

George: I'm sorry, sir.

Steinbrenner: You know what I think? I think you knew about that bomb ahead of time.

George: What?

Steinbrenner: You had a premonition about the bomb, you climbed under that desk because you have E.S.P. Quick, George, put a thought in my mind. Mmm... meatballs! Huh? Unbelievable. You're a wonder, George! Anyway... this terrorist had a very specific demand. No more cheap, adjustable hats for hat day. He wants fitted hats just like the players wear.

Elaine: Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry: Yeah.

Elaine: What the hell is this? Wha— Where are you?

Jerry: Over here. You can see right through here.

Elaine: What is this? It's like you're selling movie tickets back here.

Jerry: I think it's kind of cozy.

Elaine: Alright. Well, you are not going to believe what Kramer did to— my— mattress. I can't-I can't talk to you like this. So, Kramer completely funked up my mattress.

Jerry: Does it smell like the East River?

Elaine: Yes, it does! How did you know!?

Jerry: Because Kramer has been swimming laps between the Queensborough bridge and the Brooklyn bridge.

Elaine: Oh, great!

Kramer: Oh, man, I'm on the wrong floor again. (gasps)

Elaine: Hey! Thanks for ruining my mattress. It reeks.

Kramer: Hey, you know what I think it is? I think it's that East River. I think it might be polluted.

George: Well, you really did it to me this time, Seinfeld... What the hell happened here?

Elaine: Hey.

George: Hey. L-l-look how, uh, obtrusive this is.

Elaine: It is obtrusive, isn't it?

Kramer: It's very obtrusive.

Jerry: I don't think it's that bad.

Kramer: Well, can I get a stool in here?

Jerry: No, the stools go over there.

Kramer: No, no, no, that's no good. I'm leaving.

Elaine: You know, I'm with stinky. I'm going back to my place.

George: "Fitted Hat Day?" That's what you asked Steinbrenner for?

Jerry: Hey, they're actually doing the fitted hats? Cool.

George: Guess who he put in charge of "Fitted Hat Day." Me.

Jerry: Hey, look at you.

George: Yeah, look at me. Now, I gotta figure out the different head sizes of 59,000 different people! What if a pinhead shows up!? I gotta be on top of that!

Jerry: No knock offs. I want the ones like the real players wear.

George: Forget the fitted hats! I'm doing it! And you're gonna call Steinbrenner back and cancel the whole thing!

Jerry: Could you at least get a hat for me?

George: Fine! What size?

Jerry: Seven and five eighths

George: Seven and five eighths!

Jerry: Why are you shouting!?

George: I don't know! It's this place. I'm very uncomfortable here.

Hal: So, you liking the mattress?

Elaine: Oh, I am ju— loving it. Uh, you know, we should, um, uh, (sighs) get goin'.

Hal: What is that smell?

Elaine: What smell...? (sighs)

Hal: (sniffs) I think it's the mattress. Did something happen to it?

Elaine: No, no. Oh, oh! You know what that is? U-um, I went clamming... the other day and I forgot to hose off my boots.

Hal: Clamming?

Elaine: Yeah! I clam... and scallop. I clam and scallop!

Hal: Huh.

Steinbrenner: Yes, yes. Come in, come in.

George: Sir, I just got a call from the terrorist. I told him to call back here... if you have a moment.

Steinbrenner: Hey, Costanza, let me ask you something. Is it "FeBRUary" or " FebUary"? Because I prefer "-Uary." And what is this "ru"?

George: Let me put that on speaker phone for you, sir.

Steinbrenner: Hello, uh, bomber?

Jerry: Yeah, this is the terrorist bomber.

Steinbrenner: You know, Costanza here is busting his hump on those hats.

Jerry: Yeah, you know, about those hats, I think maybe I changed my mind.

Steinbrenner: You don't want them? They're gone. Goodbye!

George: Good thinking, sir.

Steinbrenner: Now, what do you want instead?

Jerry: What?

Steinbrenner: Well, you're the terrorist. You gotta want something.

Jerry: I guess it would be nice if you called all the ticket holders if the game was going to be rained out.

Steinbrenner: Alright, George, you can handle that.

Steinbrenner: Costanza, what the hell are you doing?

George: No— we— no, we have to stand tough, sir! That's why I had to hang up the phone!

Steinbrenner: When someone's unstable, you don't stir the pot, George! You know what I'm gonna to do? I'm gonna run around the stadium and close all the windows. That's where I'm doing, pal. And I'll tell you something else, I am very nervous!

Elaine: I like that "stuffed crust" pizza. "Cheese-in-crust" pizza.

Hal: It's just more cheese.

Elaine: Hey, let me tell you something, it'll be years before they find another place to hide more cheese on a pizza. Kramer!

Kramer: Oh, hey!

Elaine: Hahaha. H-hi! Oh, this is Hal. Hal, Kramer. Kramer, Hal.

Kramer: Hal... uh... Langerhans!

Hal: Kitzmiller.

Kramer: Oo! Yeah, Kitzmiller. Yeah, that's right

Elaine: You takin' a dip?

Kramer: Oh, I'm dippin', yeah!

Hal: That smell…

Kramer: Yeah. Oh, listen, I gotta get to the pier. It—uh, ferry traffic gets really bad around 4:30. But— uh, look, I still got your key to your apartment, and I'll, uh, get it back to you as soon as I can.

Elaine: Oo, baby.

George: (exhales) Lunch!

Hal: Kramer! Can I talk to you a minute?

Kramer: Yeah, sure, sure. Uh, Um... oh, boy.

Hal: Kitzmiller.

Kramer: Ye— (clicks tongue) that's it.

Hal: You and Elaine are pretty close.

Kramer: Oh, we go back a ways.

Hal: And you've, um... how do I put this... you've been in her bed.

Kramer: That's right.

Hal: But this isn't still going on.

Kramer: No, no, no. She put a stop to that.

Hal: That's all I needed to know. So... you actually swim in this thing?

Kramer: (exhales) oh yeah. Exercises every muscle in the body. It's great for the back.

Hal: Great for the back? Right!

Kramer: Four hours in this chop and I'm a full inch taller! Giddyup!

Steinbrenner: ♪ Heat breaker, Brubaker." Hey, hey, George! I remember that tune. George? George? Hm, what's that ticking? Oh...? Oh...! Bwoh, bwoh, oh, woh, woh, woh, woh! Fire in the hole!

Elaine: Ugh! I can't believe the Lumbar Yard wouldn't pick this up. Ugh! (sighs) Oh. go— (sniffs) ugh! Ugh! (sighs) okay. (groans)

Conrad: You want it back the way it was?

Jerry: Yeah, that's right.

Conrad: You know, I don't get you Seinfeld. You want something one day. The next day, you don't like it. I mean, come on man, make a decision!

Jerry: One second.

Jerry: Hello?

Elaine: Jerry, you gotta help me. I threw my back out.

Jerry: So, just lie down.

Elaine: I am lying down! I am trapped under a funky mattress! You gotta go get a doctor or at-at least come over and roll this thing off of me.

Jerry: Alright. I'll-I'll be right there. Uh, Conrad, I gotta go.

Conrad: Stay, go. Whatever!

Hal: Hey! Kramer!

Kramer: What's going on, huh?

Hal: I told my Chiropractor how great swimming in the river made my back feel; he recommended it to all his patients.

Old man: Step aside.

Kramer: He just sunk like a stone, didn't he?

George: Sir, uh, I-I'm sure it's not a bomb.

Steinbrenner: Mm y-yeah, don't be so sure, George. You with them, and they're messing with you. Alright, boys, send it in.

Steinbrenner: Wait, what's that thing straight ahead? Is that anything Is that Mothra? Okay, let's check the desk. That's where I heard the ticking. We're gonna search each one of those drawers, starting with the top one. Mm (clicks tongue). It's just empty calories and male curiosity, eh, Georgie?

Bomb cop: Looks like there's more compartments underneath.

Steinbrenner: Compartments underneath, that's probably where it is. Okay boys, let 'er rip! I'll tell you what, George. Starting tomorrow, no more desks. Just a Lucite table and four legs.

Kramer: Hey, w-watch where you're kicking! You people find your own river— ah! Ow! Jesus!(chokes)

Elaine: I'm so sor— Kramer!

Kramer: Elaine! (coughs)

Elaine: Hey! I am loving this! Hey, I'll meet you at the coffee shop.

Kramer: Yeah.

Elaine: Yeah.

George: Hey, Connie. Jerry around?

Conrad: No, and I prefer "Conrad." So, I heard what happened to the desk.

George: I tell you, there was something so reassuring about that cozy little space.

Conrad: Yeah, well, whatever. See ya

Jerry: Ah, back to normal. Not bad for 4000 bucks. Can't believe I got the "low fat"!