Jerry: Women put on their perfume in an interesting way. I love watching them do that. Do you ever notice that, guys? They have those their little key, Stratego little areas. Place s they think we're going. And they always hit this one. Women are convinced that this is the most action-packed area that could ever happen in the dating world. What is that, ladies? What is happening here? Is that in case you slap the guy or something? He still finds you intriguing? Oh, Chanel! 

George: She's a pianist. A classical pianist. She plays the piano. She's a brilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the Waldstein Sonata! The Waldstein!

George: We did a crossword puzzle together, in bed. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Do you hear me? in my life! You know?

Jerry: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.

George: I was telling you about Noel.

Jerry: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays the bongos.

George: Heh heh heh... So side-splittingly funny...

Jerry: All right, I'm sorry. What about her?

George: What, you think I'm going to repeat the whole thing now?

Jerry: I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.

George: No everything is not going good. I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. Why should she have the upper hand. Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand-- no hand at all. She has the hand; I have no hand...

Jerry: Hand me that, would you?

George: Yeah.

George: How do I get the hand?

Jerry: We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get. You gotta get the hand right from the opening.

George: She's playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go...

Jerry: Yeah, that sounds like somethin'...

George: Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.

Kramer: Hey, smell my arm... Smell it!

George: What? No. With all due respect, I don't think so...

Jerry: That smells good, what is that?

Kramer: Jerry, smell.

Jerry: That smells good. What is that?

Kramer: The beach!

Jerry: The beach?

George: What, did you go swimmin'? It's 29 degrees out!

Kramer: I just joined the Polar Bear Club.

Jerry: You joined the Polar Bears?!

George: What the Hell is a "Polar Bear"?

Kramer: Well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. They're terrific, I just took my first swim today. Brrrrrrr! It's invigorating....　Yeah.

Jerry: So is shock therapy.

Jerry: What is that, a Pez dispenser?!

Kramer: Do you want one? I just bought it at the Flea Market.

George: Hey, what goes on there, exactly?

Jerry: You don't know?

George: No, I-I-I know... I know...

Jerry: You think they have fleas there, don't you?

George: No...

Jerry: Yes you do, Biff. You've never been to a Flea Market, and you think they have fleas there.

George: All right, I think they have fleas there. So what...

Kramer: Hey, you want this?

Jerry: Oh, you don't want it?

Kramer: No, I bought five of them.

Jerry: Oh, great. Thanks.

Elaine: I don't know how anyone does this. It must be so nerve racking... How do they warm up their fingers?

Jerry: They have a piano backstage they warm up on.

Elaine: No, we would have heard it.

Jerry: What, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out?

George: I told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? And don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. It's not over yet.

Jerry: I really esent that! That's directed at me, isn't it?!

Jerry: Is this okay? Can I do this?

Elaine: Oh my god.

Steve: Something I said? It's John... Mollika.

Elaine: Oh, oh, John... Oh, hi John... Hi...

Steve: What're you doing out here?

Elaine: Oh, I was just at this recital and Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg and I started laughing.

Mollika: Jerry's in there? I heard you guys broke up.

Elaine: We did. We're just hanging out.

Mollika: Really. ... You really look great.

Elaine: Oh, thank you. Are you still friends with Richie Appel?

Mollika: Oh, Richie, he's been doing comedy in L. A. for a few years. He just got back a month ago. He's kind of messed up on drugs. I don't know what to do for the guy.

Elaine: Have you thought about an intervention?

Mollika: What's that?

Elaine: You get all his friends in a room, They confront him to try to get him into rehab. It's a very popular thing now.

Mollika: Well, he'd never listen to anyone. ... Except of course Jerry. He'd listen to Jerry. Jerry would have to be involved. He really respects Jerry.

Elaine: I'm sorry. George, I'm sorry!

George: What did you put the Pez dispenser on her leg for in the first place?

Jerry: I dunno, it was an impulse.

George: What kind of a sick impulse does that??

Jerry: How could I know she would start to laugh?

Elaine: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am!

Jerry: Can we just go in already?

George: What are we gonna tell her?

Elaine: I'll tell her I was the one who laughed.

George: No, don't say a word. If she thinks my friends are jerks, then I'm a jerk...

Elaine: Oh, remind me to talk to you about something later.

Jerry: What about?

George: Hey, hey! We're discussing something!

Jerry: I know, but I'm distracted now.

George: What are you? A baby!? All right. Tell her.

Elaine: When I was outside I ran into John Mollika.

Jerry: Really John Mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the Comedy Club. How's he doing?

Elaine: He's good.

George: Uh, can we cut to the chase?

Jerry: "Cut to the chase"?

George: Yeah...

Jerry: What are you, "Joe Hollywood"?

George: A lot of people say it.

Jerry: I would lose that.

George: What's that?

Jerry: "Lose that"? That's not a Hollywood expression!

George: Yes it is.

Elaine: Anyway ... So John told me that Richie is in town from Los Angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. So I told him that he should do an intervention.

Jerry: Really, an intervention ...

George: You know, you people, we got a situation over here!

Elaine: Yeah, but he wants you to be a part of it.

Jerry: Me? Why me?

Elaine: He says Richie really respects you and he would listen to you.

Jerry: These things are really hard to load...

George: All right, OK, all right, I'm goin' in.

Jerry: We've got to talk about this.

Elaine: All right.

George: Hi, hi, hi, You were wonderful.

Noel: No..

George: Oh, these are my friends, Elaine and Jerry, ... Noel

Jerry: You play a Hell of a piano.

Elaine: Yeah, I was really moved, really moved.

Noel: Well didn't you hear that person laughing? I couldn't play. I was *humiliated...

Elaine: Well, I'm sure it wasn't at you.

Noel: Well then, what was she laughing at?

Jerry: Pez?

Noel: Uh, no, No thank you. Did you see her?

George: Me, uh, uh, no, ...

Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

Elaine: Well, you know, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.

Jerry: Even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed.

Noel: I'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life.

Elaine: I'm sure she would apologize if she could. Probably somebody is holding her back maybe against every fibre of her being.

George: If she wants to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful.

George: All right, so are you ready? We'll go out and we'll have a bit to eat.

Noel: I don't feel like it tonight.

Jerry: We'll be outside

Elaine: Yeah

Jerry: It was nice meeting you. By the way, How do you warm up your fingers before you play?

Noel: I just crack my knuckles.

George: Come on, we'll have a good time

Noel: Well, I'm really not in the mood.

George: Ah, come on

Noel: I said I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!

George: Um, all right, um, uh, I'll call 'ya. I'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. Have a telephone communiqu. So, find. Everything is fine ok, Everything is good? Good. I feel good. Fine. That's fine. That's good. Okay, okay-doke.

Jerry: You know I think Kramer might have been responsible for getting Richie involved in drugs in the first place.

Elaine: What? How?

Jerry: A few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. Kramer was our first baseman. You couldn't get anything by him . It was unbelievable. Anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. So Kramer says to Richie why don't you dump the bucket of Gatorade on Marty Benson's head? The club owner. So Richie goes ahead and does it.

Elaine: So? What happened?

Jerry: What happened? The guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, developed pneumonia, and a month later he was dead.

Elaine: Shut up!

Jerry: All the comedians were happy. Because he was one of these club owners nobody liked anyway. But Richie was never the same.

Elaine: What about Kramer?

Jerry: He's the same!

Jerry: Are you sure you want me, John. I mean, I have spoken to Richie in two years. I don't have a good apartment for an intervention. The furniture, it's very non-confrontational. All right All right. Goodbye.

Jerry: Remember Ricie Appel?

Kramer: Oh sure, the guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?

Jerry: Right, well, John Mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. We're having it here.

Kramer: Can I get in on that?

Jerry: What do you think? It's like a poker game?

Kramer: Is Elaine going?

Jerry: Yeah

Kramer: Well, I knew him as well as she did.

Jerry: Yeah, but John invited her.

Kramer: So what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene?

Jerry: No, intervene, go ahead. Intervene all you want. I am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.

Jerry: Yeah?

George: It's George

Jerry: Come on up.

Jerry: Stop smelling your arm.

Kramer: You know I got a great idea for a cologne. It's called the Beach. You spray it on and it's just like you just came home from the beach

Jerry: Hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. I can't believe I'm saying this, but That's not a bad idea.

Kramer: Tell me about it!

Jerry: Why don't you call Steve D'Jiff, he works in the marketing department at Calvin Klein. In fact he's a good friend of John Mollika and Richie also.

George: Well it's over. It's definitely over.

Jerry: She broke up with you?

George: No, but I can tell she's going to. I can sense it. We had this terrible phone conversation. I was so nervous before I called I made up this whole list of things to talk about.

Jerry: What was on the list?

George: Let's see, How I'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't Postum a more popular drink,

Jerry: Yeah, Postum is underrated,

George: Anyway there was all this tension. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we could get together for lunch." You know what that means.

Jerry: What's wrong with lunch?

George: Lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. It's like being demoted. I'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. I know it.

Kramer: I like the Jumble. You ever do the Jumble?

George: I have no power. Do you understand? I need hand. I have no hand.

Kramer: Break up with her.

George: What?

Kramer: You break up with her. You reverse everything that way.

Jerry: A preemptive breakup.

George: A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.

George: So, I'm afriad I am gonna have to break up with you.

Noel: You're breaking up with me?

George: Yes. I, ... am breaking up with, ... you.

Noel: Wow.

George: Shocked?

Noel: I really am.

George: Never expected this did you?

Noel: I thought everything was fine.

George: Well, live and learn.

Noel: Well, I don't understand. You didn't enjoy being with me? Didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles?

George: Kind of.

Noel: I'm very confused.

George: Well, I didn't mean to hurt you kid.

Noel: I thought,...

George: Now, stop it ... Please.

Noel: What do you want? I know I can make you happy.

George: When you're playing the piano do you think about me?

Noel: I don't know.

George: This is what I'm talking about.

Noel: OK, I'll think about you.

George: All the time.

Noel: All the time? ... OK, All the time.

George: I can't hear you.

Noel: All the time.

George: See, It's not so hard.

Kramer: Go ahead smell, smell

Steve: Yeah, so?

Kramer: Now, you recognize it?

Steve: I don't know.

Kramer: The beach.

Steve: What are you talking about?

Kramer: Oh, I'm talking about the beach.

Steve: What about it?

Kramer: You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? Well, I want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. Oh yeah.

Steve: That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard.

Kramer: Oh, wait a minuite. Did you here what I just said?

Steve: You think people are gonna to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and sea weed? That's why people take showers when the come home from the beach. It's an objectionable offensive odor.

Kramer: So you don't think that's a good idea?

Guy: The membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid so I have to stick a tissue up there

Elaine: Uh, you have to work like that?

Guy: Yeah. Nobody minds. Nobody has ever said anything to me.

Other Guy: Are there any ice cubes?

Jerry: Whatever is in the freezer.

Other Guy: I looked. I don't see any ice cubes.

Jerry: Well I guess there's no ice cubes.

Other Guy: I can't drink this. It's warm!

Guy: Hey, John. Shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before Richie comes?

Steve: What's the plan?

Jerry: Do I have to talk? I don't feel like talking.

Other Guy: Well, if he's not going to talk, then I don't wanna  talk either.

Guy: No, we all have to talk.

Elaine: What's the order?

Guy: We'll go in alphabetical order. You're first Roberta.

Roberta: Why am I first?

Elaine: Albano is your last name.

Roberta: That's not my name any more. I'm divorced.

Steve: I'll go first.

Kramer: Hey.

Jerry: Hey.

Kramer: Is this the interference?

Jerry: Intervention.

Other Guy: What are you doing here?

Kramer: Uh, is it all right if I stay for the intervention?

Steve: He can't stay. This is for close friends only.

Kramer: Hey, I'm a friend. Who do you think told him to pour the Gatorade over Marty Benson's head?

Other Guy: Let him stay.

Kramer: Hey, you know I got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth.

Steve: Somebody's going to make that crap?

Old Guy: Kramer!

Kramer: Hey, you guys! All right. Come on in, these are some of my polar bear buddies.

Other Guy: They can't stay.

Old Guy: We're having a party here?

Jerry: No, we're having an intervention

Old Guy: An intervention? Who's intervening?

Jerry: There's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him.

Old Guy: Sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped coming. We would go to his house and say, "What you don't want to be a polar bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"

Guy: It's him.

Roberta: What do we do?

Elaine: Hide!

Jerry: It's NOT a surprise party! Yeah

George: It's George

Jerry: Yeah, come on up. ... It's not him.

Guy: If you don't go out with me it's because I'm a bar tender, right?

Elaine: Look, you know, I don't really think this is appropriate right now.

Guy: Is it because I have a tissue in my nose?

Elaine: You're getting warm.

George: We just came from Chadway's. What's going on.

Jerry: We're having the intervention. We're wating for Richie.

George: Oh, right, right, the intervention. Should we leave?

Jerry: Well, uh..

Noel: Elaine, hi.

Elaine: Oh, hi Noel

Jerry: Well, you're looking well.

George: Jerry, let me tell you something, "A man without hand is not a man." I got so much hand I'm coming out of my gloves. I gotta thank Kramer.

Steve: Even if I were dragged through manure, I still wouldn't put that stuff on.

George: This man is a genius. Genius!

Steve: You think so?

George: I don't think so I know so, Kramer, come here I gotta talk to you.

Old Man: The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. So the male has pouch envy.

Old Guy: "Why should she have this huge pouch and I have nothing? I have things to carry too. At least give me a pocket"

Noel: That laugh. That's the laugh. That's it. You're the one.

Elaine: No, no. It was an accident. It really wasn't my fault. It was Jerry. Jerry put a Pez dispenser on my leg.

Noel: You put a Pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?.

Jerry: I didn't know she would laugh.

Noel: You lied to me George, you lied to me.

George: No, I, uh, um, wa, wa, What did I do? ... Where are you going?

Noel: I ... am breaking up ... with you!

George: You can't break up with me. I've got hand.

Noel: And you're going to need it.

Jerry: Hey Richie

Richie: So what's going on?

Jerry: So we start the intervention, and it's pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, He's hostile, he's talking back.

George: I can't do these puzzles.

Jerry: So he starts to get up. Suddently, he spots the Pez dispenser on the coffee table

George: Ah ah Pez dispenser.

Jerry: He picks it up - he's staring at it - It's like he's hypnotized by it. Then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them

George: Well they're hard to load.

Jerry: Tell me something I don't know. So as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. Nobody's hurt but Pez is all over the car. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.

George: Poor kid.

Jerry: So as he's telling the story he starts crying.

George: What did you do?

Jerry: What do you think? I gave him my Pez dispenser.

George: Wow

Jerry: Two hours later he checks into Smither's clinic. I talked to the doctor yesterday. He's doing great on the rehab. He's hooked on Pez. He's eating them like there's no tomorrow.

George: What's a three letter word for candy?

Jerry: I can't do those things.

Jerry: Jawbreakers, to me, was like the ultimate challenge candy. It was like candy manufactures were sitting in their laboratories, going. "I wonder if there'll eat this. This seems pretty tough to eat. Let's market it as some sort of experiment." But the concept of Jawbreakers. What was the concept? Multicoloured cement balls for a quarter? Was that the idea behind it? Let's see if we can hurt them. Let's see if they'll pay to be hurt. This is the idea behind Jawbreakers. I did it, I ate them, I loved them. Oh this is very painful. I'm really hurting. And this is hurting me a lot. I love them.