Jerry: I love these nature shows. I'll watch any kind of nature show. And it's amazing how you can always relate to whatever they're talking about. You know, like, you're watching the African dung beetle and you're going, "boy, his life is a lot like mine." And you always root for whichever animal is the star of the show that week. Like if it's the antelope, and there's a lion chasing the antelope, you go, "Run, antelope, run! Use your speed! Get away!" Right? Then next week, it's the lion and then you go, "Get the antelope! Eat 'em! Bite his ass! Trap 'em! Don't let 'em use his speed!
Elaine: Well, did he bring it up in the meeting?
Jerry: Elaine, see this T-shirt? Six years I've had this T-shirt. It's my best one. I call him...Golden Boy.
Elaine: Yeah, I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boy's always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here, touch Golden Boy!
Elaine: No, thanks. Yeah. Yeah, I'll hold.
Jerry: But see, look at the collar, it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash brings him one step closer. That's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolite?
Jerry: No! The reason he's the iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash, spin, rinse, spin! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!
Elaine: Yeah. (gasps) What? He is? Oh! That's fantastic! I'm so excited! Yes, I'm excited! Okay! Okay, I'll be in soon! Yeah, yeah I'm coming, I'm coming! Okay, bye.
Elaine: Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer!
Jerry: The guy who was in the Gulag?!
Elaine: Yeah! Pendant's publishing his new book, and I'm gonna be working on it! Lippman and I are gonna go to the airport on Thursday and pick him up in a limousine!
Jerry: You wanna borrow Golden Boy?
Elaine: Oh! Do you know what this means? It's like working with Tolstoy!
Jerry: Hey, you know I read an unbelievable thing about Tolstoy the other day. Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?
Elaine: Haa-haa-haa-haa.
Jerry: No, I'm not kidding, Elaine. It's true! His mistress didn't like the title and insisted he change it to War and Peace!
Elaine: But it's a line from that song!
Jerry: That's where they got it from!
Elaine: Really?
Jerry: I'm not joking!
George: You can't handle the truth!
Jerry: What?
George: I'm working on my Jack Nicholson. You can't handle the truth!
Elaine: What is this, your mail?
George: Yeah, I grabbed it on the way out. I don't want my mother reading it.
Elaine: Ohh, your alumni magazine.
Jerry: Your mother reads your mail?
George: Yeah.
Jerry: What, you mean like postcards and—?
George: No. Anything!
Jerry: She doesn't open...
George: She'll open!
Jerry: You've caught your mother opening envelopes?
George: Yes!
Jerry: What does she say?
George: "I was curious!"
Jerry: Isn't that against the law?
George: Maybe I can get her locked up.
Elaine: Hey, Jerry, you're in the alumni magazine! Listen to this: "Jerry Seinfeld has appeared on David Letterman and The Tonight Show. And he did a pilot for NBC called 'Jerry' that was not picked up."
Elaine: Georgie, how come there's not anything about you in here?
Jerry: He can't handle the truth!
Elaine: All right. This is too much fun, I gotta get back to work.
Kramer: ♪ Johnny, you, oh, and the rebel, yeah! ♪ Oo, are you all right?
Elaine: Yeah.
Kramer: Ugh. Sorry.
Elaine: It's okay.
Kramer: Yeah-- oh! Hey, here. Wait, wait! Uh, maybe you could, uh, use this. Uh, yeah. It's an electronic organizer.
Elaine: What?
Kramer: Uh, yeah. Uh...
Elaine: What?
Kramer: Yeah, here. Yeah.
Elaine: (gasps)
Kramer: You know, for phone numbers, addresses, keep appointments, everything.
Elaine: Wow!
Kramer: It's got an alarm that beeps.
Elaine: Oh! I can't believe this! Kramer, I've been wanting to get one of these things! Are you sure that— You sure you can't use this thing?
Kramer: Oh no. I got all my appointments right up here.
Elaine: Where'd you get this?
Kramer: Oh, the bank. I opened up a new account.
George: Hey, did you see that whale thing on TV last night?
Jerry: No.
George: I am such a huge whale fan. These marine biologists were showing how they communicate with each other with the squeaks and the squeals. What a fish!
Jerry: It's a mammal.
George: Whatever. Hey, new tape recorder?
Jerry: Yeah, I got it from the bank.
Kramer: Hey!
George: Hey.
Jerry: Hey.
Kramer: Who wants to have some fun!?
Jerry: I do!
George: I do.
Kramer: Now, are you just saying you want to have fun, or do you really want to have fun?!
Jerry: I really wanna have fun.
George: I'm just saying I wanna have some fun.
Kramer: Right now there six-hundred Titleists that I got from the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rockaway and hit 'em into the ocean! Now, picture this: we find a nice, sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tee up and-- (whoosh) that ball goes sailing up into the sky, holds there for a moment, and then...gulg!
George: Come on. You wanna get some lunch?
Jerry: Yeah, let me just stop by the cash machine and I'll meet you over at the coffee shop.
George: Yeah, I'm gonna get a paper. Keep your head down.
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: Cash advance? Yes. No. Balance inquiry? No. Receipt? No. Processing, processing. I won!
Diane: Jerry?
Jerry: Yeah.
Diane: It's Diane, Diane DeConn, from Queen's College.
Jerry: Oh, Diane!
Diane: (laughs) How are you?
Jerry: Good, good!
Diane: (sighs) How long has it been?
Jerry: Since college.
Diane: Oh. I-I've been seeing you on TV, you're doing great.
Jerry: Yeah, pluggin' along.
Diane: You know, I got the alumni magazine. What ever happened to your friend, George? I notice I never see his name in there.
Jerry: Well, he's kind of modest.
Diane: He was always such a goof-off. I mean did he ever get anywhere?
Jerry: Sure.
Diane: Yeah? What field?
Jerry: Marine biology.
Diane: George is a marine biologist!?
Jerry: Yeah! A pretty damn good one, too.
Diane: (scoffs) I can't believe it. I-I would never had thought—
Jerry: Yeah! He's specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales. All that blubber, it's quite unhealthy. You know, it's the largest mammal on Earth, but as George says, they don't have to be.
George: Diane DeConn! You saw Diane DeConn!?
Jerry: Something, huh?
George: Ah! How did she look?
Jerry: She looked great.
George: Oh...mm!
Jerry: She asked about you.
George: She asked about me? What did she say?
Jerry: "How's George?"
George: "George!?" She said "George!?" She remembered my name! Diane DeConn remembered my name! She was the 'it' girl!
Jerry: Yeah, she asked for your number. I think she's gonna get in touch with you.
George: Okay, I'm tellin' you right now, if you're kiddin' around, I'm not gonna be able to be your friend anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that?
Jerry: I got no problem with that.
George: Good. Because if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game, we're finished!
Jerry: Expect a call.
George: Oh my God, he's not kidding.
Jerry: Now, I should tell you that, at this point, she's under the impression that you're a, uh...
George: A what?
Jerry: A marine biologist.
George: A marine biologist?
Jerry: Yes!
George: Why am I a marine biologist?
Jerry: I may have mentioned it.
George: But I'm not a marine biologist!
Jerry: Yes, I know that.
George: So...?
Jerry: Why, you don't think it's a good job?
George: I didn't even know it was a job!
Jerry: Oh, it's a fascinating field!
George: Well, what if she calls me!? What am I supposed to say!?
George: Algae, obviously plankton. I don't know what else I can tell ya, uh... Oh, I-I-I just got back from a trip to the Galapagos Islands. I was living with the turtles.
Lippman: We have got you in a very nice hotel. I-I don't know how you like to work but, uh, I can arrange for an office, if you like.
Testikov: I work in hotel! Is better.
Elaine: (whispering) The hotel.
Testikov: Away from all your little, petty bickerings and interference.
Lippman: You know, Tolstoy used to write in the village square. The faces inspired him.
Testikov: He did not need inspiration. God spoke through his pen.
Elaine: Oh, that is so true! Although, one wonders if War and Peace would've been as highly acclaimed as it was had it been published under its original title War, What Is It Good For?
Lippman: What?
Elaine: Yeah. Mr. Lippman, It was his mistress who insisted he call it
Lippman: Elaine. Elaine!
Elaine: War and Peace. War, What Is It Good For? ♪ Absolutely nothin, huh! Say it again! ♪ (laughs)
Lippman: Elaaine...
Elaine: It's a song, they took it from Tolstoy.
Lippman: No! E-Elaine.
Testikov: War... what is it good for!?
Lippman: No, it's just her sense of humor.
Elaine: No, it's not. That really is true.
Lippman: It's not.
Testikov: What is that noise!
Elaine: Yes, it is.
Lippman: No, it's not!
Testikov: That noise!
Lippman: It-it-it's in your purse.
Testikov: What is that noise, it's travelling up my spine into my brain!
Lippman: It's coming from your purse.
Elaine: Oh, it must be my new organizer. (laughs nervously)
Lippman: Yeah...
Testikov: That noise.
Lippman: Turn it off.
Elaine: Right. I think it's this--
Lippman: No, It's the butto--
Testikov: I cannot stand it!
Lippman: Elaine, It's the button at the top.
Elaine: Okay. I--
Lippman: The top.
Elaine: Wait, no.
Testikov: Will you turn it off!?
Lippman: Not that. The one at the top
Elaine: Yup, I'm gonna work on that.
Testikov: Ah!
Lippman: Yeah, oh...
Jerry: I did it for you.
George: I don't know what'd you had to tell THAT for. You put me in a very difficult position. Marine Biologist! I'm very uncomfortable with this whole thing.
Jerry: You know, with all do respect, I would think it's right up your alley.
George: Well, it's not up my alley! It's one thing if I make it up. I know what I'm doin'. I know my alleys! You got me in the Galapagos Islands livin' with the turtles, I don't know where the hell I am.
Jerry: Well, you came in the other day with all that whale stuff, the squeaking and the squealing and--
George: Look, why couldn't you make me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Well, I-I'm supposed to see her tomorrow. I-I'm gonna tell her what's goin' on. I mean, maybe she just likes me for me.
Jerry: Hey.
George: Hey.
Kramer: Hey, you want these? I don't want 'em!
Jerry: What!
Kramer: I stink! I can't play! The ball is just sitting there, Jerry, and I can't hit it! I only hit one really good ball that went way out there!
Jerry: Well, what happened?
Kramer: I have no concentration!
Jerry: What-what's-what's wrong with your--
Kramer: Sand! I can't get rid of the sand. Look at this. Look, there's still some in here. It won't go away! Look, I even got sand in the pockets!
Jerry: Hey, c'mon, you're getting it all over the floor!
Jerry: Hello? Yeah. Yes, it is. Really? Uh, uh. Could you hold on a second? Hey listen to this: some woman found an electronic organizer, my name was in it, she wants me to help her track down the owner.
George: How'd she find it?
Jerry: She's walking down the street and it hit her in the head!
Corinne: So, I am walkin' along, minding my own business, when all off the sudden, this thing comes flying outta nowhere and clonks me right on the head.
Jerry: Wow!
Corinne: Yeah, so, they took me to the hospital--
Jerry: Yeah...
Corinne: Yeah, and they put me in this thing that feels like a coffin for 45 minutes. Have you ever been in one of those things? You could go BERSERK in there!
Jerry: Well, you have insurance...
Corinne: I wish!
Jerry: Unbelievable!
Corinne: Yeah.
Jerry: What is with this thing?
Corinne: I don't know! It never shuts up! So, anyway, you could see why I would be interested in finding this person.
Jerry: Absolutely.! You should not have to pay for that.
Corinne: Stop it! STOP IT!
Jerry: Let me have a look at this thing.
Corinne: You know, somebody told me they thought they saw that thing come out of a limousine.
Jerry: Typical rich people, using the world for their personal garbage can.
Corinne: Boy, am I lucky your name came up. I just pushed a button.
Jerry: I would like to know what my name is doin' in this creep's organizer to begin with.
Corinne: Yeah!
Jerry: Who do I know who woulda even been in a limousine yesterday-- oh-oh-oooh.
Kramer: Oh, hey.
Elaine: Hey, great organizer you gave me.
Kramer: You liked it, huh.
Elaine: It wouldn't stop beeping in the car, so, Testikov threw it out the window.
Kramer: Oh.
Elaine: I transferred everything in there. I threw out my old book. I'm lost now, Kramer.
Elaine: What, what is it?
Kramer: This sand, it's everywhere! (blows arm)
Elaine: Okay, I'll see you later.
Kramer: (whimpers)
Jerry: Oh, there you are!
Elaine: There YOU are!
Jerry: So?
Elaine: So?
Jerry: So, what do you have to say for yourself?
Elaine: So, what do you have to say for YOURSELF?
Jerry: Why should I say anything for myself?
Elaine: 'War, What is it go for?'
Jerry: (laughs) who told you?
Elaine: Oh, ha-ha-ha. Yuri Testikov, the Russian writer! Hello!
Jerry: You told Testikov that Tolstoy wanted to name his book 'War, What Is It Good For?'
Elaine: Uh-huh. And do you know what happened?
Jerry: Can I take a guess?
Elaine: Oh, please.
Jerry: Oh, I don't know, he threw your organizer out the window?
Elaine: What? How do you know that?
Jerry: Because I know who has it.
Elaine: What? How did you find it?
Jerry: Because the woman who got hit in the head with it, found my name, called me up, and we met!
Elaine: (gasps) where is it? Give it to me!
Jerry: I don't have it!
Elaine: Why not?
Jerry: Because she's not returning it until she gets the money back for the hospital bill.
Elaine: But I didn't do it, Testikov did it! He should pay for it!
Jerry: How much is Testikov getting from Pendant for this book?
Elaine: One million.
Jerry: Well, that's a start.
George: Then, of course, with evolution, the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today.
Diane: Really?
George: Yeah. But, if you look still look closely, you can see a-a little bump where the nose use to be. (chuckles)
Diane: Huh.
George: But enough about fish. I can talk about other things, you know, um... architecture!
Jerry: You know what room Testikov's in?
Elaine: Yeah, 308. Oh, I'm crazy for doing this!
Jerry: Well, you want to get your organizer back, don't you?
Elaine: Why are you so interested? You wanna take her out?
Jerry: Hey, you know when Superman saves someone, no one asks if he's trying to
hit on her!
Elaine: Well, you're not Superman.
Jerry: Well, you're not Lois Lane.
Elaine: Ah... Listen, you got the tape recorder.
Jerry: Yeah, I got it. You sure you want to do this?
Elaine: Yeah, I gotta get Testikov on tape. If this woman ends up in the 'New England Journal Of Medicine,' I'm not going to pay for it.
Jerry: Ah, here she comes.
Jerry: Hi. Elaine, this is Corinne.
Elaine: Hello, hi. You got the organizer?
Jerry: All right, lets go. Uh, we'll meet you back here in 10 minutes, hopefully with the money.
Diane: Your parents must be so proud of you, George.
George: Oh, they're busting!
Diane: What are those people doing over there?
Testikov: Gah! Come in-come in, Ms. Benes! That is if you can spare a minute from your busy schedule! And you bring guest for my entertainment?
Elaine: Um, yes, this is my friend, Jerry. He accompanied me, ya know--ahem, single woman in a big city could be dangerous.
Jerry: Yeah. That-that's why I wear these sneakers. In case of any trouble, zip, I'm gone.
Testikov: Yeah, yeah. The sneakers. All the Americans with the sneakers. You're always running from something! Yeah, yeah. Well, sit! Stop running, huh! Two minutes, I give you latest manuscript.
Jerry: Oh, Rimsky! Great, great book if I my say so, sir. I almost read the whole thing.
Corinne: What!?
Hotel Clerk: If you can't thing off, I'll to have to ask you to leave.
Corinne: I'm waitin' for two people!
Hotel Clerk: Well, you can wait for them outside.
Corinne: Yeah, I guess I'd better. I wouldn't want to take any attention away from the hookers!
Hotel Clerk: All right, all right. Out, out.
Corinne: Whatever you say, Crowell.
Diane: What's going on over here?
Woman: There's a beached whale, she's dying.
Larry David: Is anyone here a marine biologist?
Testikov: Here is the latest draft. I see you next week. Same time, same
day. On time, please.
Jerry: It was nice meeting you. You're a real pleasure!
Testikov: Yeah, yeah.
Elaine: Uh, oh, oh, by the way, Mr. Testikov, um, do you remember the other day when we were in the limo and my organizer started making noise and you threw it out the window?
Testikov: Yes, how could I forget?
Elaine: Well, um, would you believe that it actually hit somebody in the head.
Jerry: Right in the head!
Elaine: Boing! (laughs)
Testikov: What is that noise!
Elaine: Uh, that's nothing. Um, and, anyway, um.
Testikov: What's going on, huh!? That noise!
Elaine: No, no, that's my purse!
Testikov: That noise!
Elaine: No! Get-get off my purse!
Testikov: Huh! It's recorder! Hah!
Elaine: No, that's a radio!
Testikov: You are spying on me!
Crowd: Come on! Save the whale! Do it!
Diane: Save the whale George...for me.
George: So, I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you, boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on! And as I made my way past the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I-I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things, but I tell you, Jerry, at that moment, I was a marine biologist!
Elaine: George, I've just been reading this thing in the paper, it's unbelievable!
George: I know, I was just telling them the story.
Kramer: Come on, George, finish the story.
George: The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya, he was ten stories high if he was afoot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow! I said, "easy big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what-what did you do next?
George: Well, then, from out of nowhere, a huge title wave lifted me, tossed like a cork, and I found myself on top of him, face-to-face with the blowhole. I-I-I-I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So, I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction!
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one, huh?
Jerry: Well, the-the crowd most have gone wild!
George: Oh-ho, yes, yes. Yes, Jerry, they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment, I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist!
Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?
George: She told me to "go to hell" and I took the bus home.
Jerry: All right, let's go.
Elaine: What, are you in a bad mood?
Jerry: Nah, I got my laundry back.
Elaine: (gasps) Golden Boy?
Jerry: He didn't make it.
Elaine: I'm sorry.
Jerry: Yeah. This is Golden Boy's son, Baby Blue.
Kramer: What's with you?
George: This sand. It's everywhere!
Kramer: Yup.